Its taken me ... almost 3 years to cherish our love.... i hated you in the beginning when things ended .... I hated myself ... for ending things the way I did .... I hated myself more for letting things proceed the way i let it ..... but most of all i hated love .... But today .... after 3 years of us not being us anymore ... i cherish the love we shared , the times spent together, spent apart but still together... But of course a number of other blogposts by people out there got me thinking and therefore i write this today ... for you , for me and for us ....
When things started out for us ... I was a bumbling , rough on the edges , naive 12 year old ... mature for my age... and you were a 21 year old starry eyed, ideological veterinarian who was not trapped by the complexities of this world ... you and me .... made a very strange pair i suppose ... took me a good 2 years to realize you and me made an Us ... but never the less ... the Us we made was enchanting, magical and of course filled with love ... the kinda a love a 14 year old can manage to scrape up .... you going away to Dehradun though seemingly heart-wrenching was in fact tolerated by both you and me ... in fact i am glad for those times away ... those long letters ... birthday cards .. valentine's ... news year phone calls .... ah Phone calls ... you were the first person that i could and would talk on the phone for more than 15 mins ....2 ..3 hours of random thoughts shared... jokes laughed about ... and of course .... sweet things whispered ... i still remember our first official date ... hahaha if i can even call it that ... me and amma met you at Sathyam to watch Never Been Kissed ... i thought amma would sit in the middle but of course the sweet women that she is had to be the mother and the chaperon ... made me sit in the middle .... i remember the fifteen attempts you made to hold my hand without amma noticing ... but failing ... still victorious ... of course we have never had the hard time to find a secluded place to meet and talk ... home was always a safe haven ... those evenings spent alone ... the sheepish grins we wore when we were interrupted ...
How can i ever forget the times when jaws dropped ... you would come to school to pick me up in your Shougan .... ofcourse that bike and us have a long history ... the drive all the way from adyar to Veypari and beyond ... for the puppy that wasn't there ... the drive to crocodile bank for work that was not really work .... sleeping on ur shoulder .... holding on to you for dear life .... the breeze in your hair ... the wind in mine ... long conversations on the road ... ur animated one hand driving ... cos the other was holding mine .... long walks along the beach in the name of turtle walks ... sitting alone by the waters ... just the moon shine illuminating us ... i was the queen in your world ...i remember the time you said " i could lie here at your feet forever" i had the hugest grin for days and days ... scars cherished on me , on you ... reminiscence of us on each other ... for those few years everything was bliss ... marriage proposed to a 16 year old ... no matter what the situation is not really advise-able ... i say this from experience ... i wish you hadn't ... i am forever guilty ... for the role i might (i did break your heart -- but the choices u made later are all on you) have played in breaking your heart and you turning into what you are today... a cheating husband ... a disillusioned lover ... grasping at something you will never have ... you made your choice and I mine ...when things ended ... i was still bumbling... still naive .. but i was 22 ... you on the other hand was yet another adult of this world ...at 31 you had lost your soul to this world of consumption .... you were more interested in your needs and taking them from me ... then the damage you were inflicting on me .... I have thought about calling her and telling her about Us ... not the Us that we were but the Us you made of us in the last few years ... but my emotions or even my dislike (i cannot call it hate ... cos i have never really hated you) towards you has never been that revenge-filled ... to go ahead and fuck it ALL up for you ... i have had my closure ... i have had time to heal ... and I have moved on .... I wish and hope the same for you ... please do not break her heart as I have yours ... and you mine ... there are no regrets ... things happened for a reason ... i am a better person for knowing you ... a small part of my soul will always be entwined with yours ... as yours in mine ....
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